Words: Andrea Zanin
Illustration: Fleur Beech

Glitter is like a cockroach, or a One Direction song; no matter how hard you try to obliterate it, it never goes away. Not even your brand new super-sonic vacuum cleaner will kill your glitter problem. And forget flame throwers; you’ll torch your house and the smoke will sparkle belligerently right there up in your face. You’ll cry, build a new house and then you’ll cry some more when you realise that there is glitter in the brick work, like a unicorn flew over the world and chose your roof to shit all over.

Just because it glitters, it doesn’t mean it’s gold – Chaucer said it, so did Shakespeare, Tolkien, Aesop, Bob Marley and Kanye West as well as anyone whose life has been invaded by a zillion-trillion teensy-weensy, shiny particles that masquerade as fun but really, are just harbingers of hate – unless, of course, you’re five and don’t have to work a job or clean a house. Fine. Such is life. But we don’t have to be all John the Baptist about it. Why not do the sensible thing and use it (glitter) to inflict pain on others – suffering is a whole lot more bearable when someone else is doing it too.

Now, we wouldn’t want to go all postal on our pals, lambasting glitter on people we actually like; just that girl who downed all the Prosecco at your party but didn’t even bother to bring a present, plus that kid from Year One who stole your lunch back in 1999. If this hate-speech sounds as familiar as it does cathartic, chances are that in your online perusal of the best ways to wreak revenge on crapheads, you’ve stumbled across the vitriolic voice of one Matthew Carpenter, originator and once-owner of website Ship Your Enemies Glitter.

As a weapon, glitter offers the opportunity to hide behind a mask of pretence – leaving it to the sender and his conscience to work out the rest

Yes, that’s right; shipping your enemies glitter, anonymously! Pity you didn’t think of it. Twenty-two-year-old Matthew from the land down under just sold his little idea for a whopping $83,000. No really. Freaking eighty-three thousand US dollars! And get this: the website ran for a meagre four days before its dad decided to ditch it. Poor naïve Matthew, who started the site as a big fat joke, underestimated the extremity of man’s propensity for putrid pettiness; pulling $20,000 in the site’s first four days. Now the poor dude has a backlog of orders. He’s even transmitted a mass plea via the internet: “Hi guys, I’m the founder of this website. Please stop buying this horrible glitter product — I’m sick of dealing with it. Sincerely, Mat.”

But rather glitter than an axe or a chainsaw, right?  You’ll survive its onslaught; you might lose some sanity, maybe some hair, a dog and a couch or two, but you’ll come out OK, all things considered. It’s not going to kill you or anything. Vindictive, malicious and entirely contemptible as a dastardly envelope of glitter might be, it is yet a safe enactment of detestation. Sending it to your enemy is not going to see you bending over behind the bars of a prison cell as your ass is tattooed by the white supremacist who now owns your junk. As a weapon, glitter offers one the opportunity to hide behind a mask of pretence – leaving it to the sender and his conscience to work out the rest. Oh it’s feeble alright but it’s also quick, cheap, easy and satisfying. We are a ludicrous lot but we’re also self-preserving and lateral-thinking, and sometimes the best way simply is the Kesha-way: “When you’re around me, you’re going to get glitter on you.” That’s all.

If you’d like to send some glitter to the people you hate, visit shipyourenemiesglitter.com

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