At the time of writing this my son, Fred, is nearly four years old and I conservatively estimate that I have already photographed him thirty thousand times or more. The vast majority of these are unexceptional. In ninety percent he is happily going about the business of being a baby, laughing or angry, shouting or eating. In some I have placed a false moustache on his face for comic effect or positioned him in front of some inappropriately offensive graffiti.

But again and again I’ll return to this image of him lying on the floor with a beach ball in the foreground. He’s got his left hand splayed out and his ear pressed to the tile like a junior safe cracker listening to the tumblers for the right combination. He’s also giving me a stony faced look as if to say ‘Really Dad? Another bloody photo?’ Just seven months old and he’s got the measure of me already.

Photographs are easy.  They start with reality but they’re not real. Real life is harder and you can’t tinker with it in photo-shop afterwards

The thing is, as a new father it’s fairly easy to feel useless. Babies need their mothers and Dads are left to either goof around or get in the way. One technique to compensate for this is photography. Most men will use the arrival of a child as an excuse to go out and buy a new camera (or at least a new lens) and then proceed to document every single moment of banality or genuine importance as a way of feeling more involved in the process. Ask a group of toddlers to draw their Dads and at least one will always come up with a strange, Cyclopean beast with a black box and a lens for a face.

The other truth is that, early on at least, photographs are almost better than real children. A few decent shots of a smiling, contented baby are far easier to deal with than an actual baby with all their mood swings, tantrums and emissions. With expensive equipment and careful editing, a motivated father can rapidly construct a perfect child. One that never cries or answers back but just permanently smiles, laughs and is beautifully lit. Before you realise it you’re spending more time posing your offspring and then looking at the pictures than you spend with the actual baby.

Photographs are easy. They start with reality but they’re not real. Real life is harder and you can’t tinker with it in photo-shop afterwards. That’s why I keep returning to this picture. For me, it works on two levels, it’s a pleasing image but it’s also a permanent rebuke. Stop taking so many bloody photographs, he’s saying. Put down the camera and come and pay me some attention, play with me and maybe then I’ll smile…. Although then I’d inevitably just run off to find my camera.

flickr.com/people/deepstoat

More in Regulars

Writers Bloc #1 Val McDermid

By , 25th September 2018
Features, Regulars
From imposter syndrome to plotting, in a new series for Marie Claire authors give me chapter and verse on how the writing process works for them - starting with multi award-winning crime writer Val McDermid, who has written 32 books in as many years

The Lives of Others #6

By , 23rd July 2018
Education, Features, Regulars, Travel
Georgie Higginson moved from the UK to Uganda 14 years ago. After losing their daughter to stillbirth, she and her husband were inspired to build a lodge on the banks of the River Nile, overlooking Murchison Falls National Park - an area once occupied by LRA rebels

Global Village #6

By , 9th July 2018
Design, Features, Regulars, Travel
Designer Kate Pietrasik lived in London, Edinburgh, New York and Byron Bay before moving to a town near Biarritz when her daughter was four years old. She reflects on life as a 'blended family', running her own business, and the joy of being rootless

Global Village #5

By , 21st May 2018
Regulars, Travel
When Rosalind Miller's daughter was born, the medical student was determined having a child wouldn't stop her moving to India to carry out her PhD field work. She reflects on swapping London for a local community in Bangalore with a toddler in tow

Global Village #4

By , 14th May 2018
Education, Regulars, Travel
From Scotland to Costa Rica (via East London, New York and Mexico). Mother-of-four Abigail Pilcher talks multiple relocations, opening – and closing – a guesthouse, and how a holiday to Turkey inspired the move of a lifetime