The Christmas after we had our first baby, we opted for a “small family Christmas” at my mother’s. At which point my mum decided to invite 26 people for lunch. TWENTY SIX PEOPLE. Given that our daughter was only weeks old at this point, that I had lost the ability to muster a coherent sentence, and that my waist was still the size of a large pilates ball, it wasn’t ideal. As in, I spent most of the day weeping. The good news is, it needn’t be that way. When it comes to surviving your baby’s first noel, here are some tried-and-tested tips to get the most from a potentially-hazardous experience…

The biggest mistake you can make is thinking: ‘We have a baby now, wouldn’t it be great to host this year? We can make Nigella’s takes-months-to-prepare Christmas cake and home-crafted decorations like the ones on those Channel 4 programmes, and hang all our cards bunting-like across the room…’ This attitude will never end well. Save yourself. Go to someone else’s house, or if you want them to come to you, make sure to outsource every task.

Because your Christmas cake will never taste like Nigella’s and your hormones are in no place to accept that like a rational human being. Rather, say “thank you” to any offers of bringing a dish, laying the table, providing booze… When it comes to other people’s generosity, open your arms, smile and nod.

There are only so many years in which you will get away with dressing your child as an animal/mythical creature. It’s one of the most rewarding aspects of parenting: make the most of it. Reindeers, elves, novelty jumpers… Relish them all.

Babies do not understand presents. We all know that, yet when it comes to the first Christmas, sense abandons us. But seriously – THEY DO NOT UNDERSTAND PRESENTS. Save your money, or better still, spend it on yourselves. Every time you think: Oh but I could just buy this really cute little thing… instead put the money to one side and see how quickly it mounts up – that could be your next facial/pair of shoes/holiday/money for a cleaner. Alternatively, spend the cash on more novelty outfits.

People love buying babies presents because people love babies, and people are stupid – forgetting the above lesson. There is potential for things to get awkward when you’re inundated with gifts from distant relatives/friends and have nothing to offer in return. Chill. People loving buying babies presents, and they don’t expect grifts in return (unless of course they have their own little ones, in which case a token something might be nice). But the main thing is, don’t stress about needing to reciprocate every gift proffered.

The older your kids get, the more rewarding Christmas will get – but also more expensive/exhausting/selfless. This is your time to eat, drink and be merry. Lap it up… That baby tum will sort itself out soon enough; for now, enjoy indulging. You’ve been through nine months of restraint (ish), so you’ve earnt that mince pice/sherry/plate of mince pies/bottle of sherry. (Insert appropriate warning about excessive drinking and breastfeeding… When in doubt, #PumpOfShame.)