Astrid, 37. Two children aged 9 and 6
“My husband and I are quite fun-loving individuals, so we went out a lot before we had kids: clubbing, restaurants, concerts and so on. After the children are born, you have to slow that down a bit. One of the good reasons to have kids is to slow down a bit and concentrate on creating some structure and stability in your life.
Now I tend to go out a lot more in the evening with my friends rather than with my husband. Logistically it’s better and cheaper, as we don’t have to get a babysitter. He’s happy about that; the arrangement is reciprocal.
When we have the opportunity to go out together, which l think we both relish, we spend that time really talking face-to-face in a relaxed and neutral environment. After children it’s not that common to have very long, deep and meaningful chats, so we try to have a nice dinner and wine (it helps!) at home on Friday night and spend some quality time together.
When kids come along parents can shift into binary roles: good cop/bad cop, fun/angry, carefree/stressed. This has happened to us to some respect. As an individual with no ties I’m pretty laid back, don’t like to push my opinion on others and am a good listener. That’s more or less the opposite of what I am as a mother. So when I’m shouting and getting hysterical about the fact that one of my kids hasn’t brushed their teeth, my husband doesn’t like it.”
Having children tied us together forever; we have a very committed marriage, which we don’t really see as a marriage, but as a family. After children, I feel our relationship is more secure and we have to depend on each other more. This is something positive for me.